


Falling apart

by cherrywongs



Series: Letters to love [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Feels, M/M, Swearing, dreamies are besties as they should be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 10:10:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20208034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrywongs/pseuds/cherrywongs
Summary: ❝No one owns anything to others, and expecting things from people is the easiest way to break your heart, but I didn’t think those rules applied to you. I still hope they don't.❞Chenle was done being in love with Jisung and not being loved back. So he wrote him a letter; the thing is, he didn't plan on sending it.





	Falling apart

_ Let me tell you a little something, Park Jisung: I am completely and pathetically in love with you. And that sucks. _

_ God knows when I stopped feeling grossed out by your sweaty hands taking mine. But now every time you do so to ask me to come and play FIFA with you, my heart pumps so fast it feels like it’s coming out of my chest. It’s so annoying. You’re annoying. _

_ You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to notice me, to stop calling me cute and then laughing when my face gets red and my brain stops working, to give up on pushing me towards boys in hope that I finally get a boyfriend. I don’t want a boyfriend, Jisung, not if it’s not someone I love and care for, and you’re the only one I could think of. _

_ My mom says falling in love with your best friend is one of the prettiest things that could happen to you, well, I think she’s wrong, it’s horrible. Watching you at your happiest and lowest moments have made me even more whipped for you, it’s driving me crazy. When you smile your eyes become so little I seriously doubt you can even see, and your whole face lights up and your voice sounds so cute I could hear you forever; but when you’re sad, Jisung, when you cry I feel like my inside shatters in thousands of pieces, you bury your face in my chest and cry until you’re drained, but I can’t even afford to feel happy about your physical contact, because knowing you feel bad makes me miserable. _

“Hey, Lele, what are you doing?” Donghyuck sat across the table, Chenle put his head up and smiled.

He closed his notebook and put in his backpack.

“Nothing important.”

Donghyuck raised an eyebrow.

“If you say so.” He grabbed a handful of Chenle’s chips in top of the table and put it on his mouth. “Wanna go to my house after school?” Chenle scrunched his nose at the sight. Donghyuck swallowed and smiled. Chenle rolled his eyes. “We’re gonna watch a movie and order pizza from Domino’s, there is a work under construction in the way from the mall to my house so it’ll take them more than 30 minutes. Free food!”

“I can pay for the pizza, you know? I do not like getting employees in trouble.”

“Whatever you want, cutie. Then you’ll come?”

Chenle sighed.

“Who’s going to be there?”

“Just Jeno, Renjun, you and me, the rest are busy.”

_ Of course, _Jisung was busy, he was probably going to spend the afternoon at Jaemin’s. He always did.

_ Are you dating Jaemin? None of us know. I mean it’s okay if you don’t tell Donghyuck because he’s a pain in the ass, or Jeno because he’s crushing on Jaemin since forever, or Mark because he’s… Mark, but Renjun has always been nice to both of you, and I’m your best friend, mister! How can you not tell your best friend you’re dating someone? Am I supposed to assume you do and move on as if you have told me? _

_ Whatever, if you’re dating him or not that’s none of my business, but what I can’t understand is why you choose him. It’s not a matter of ‘why him and not me?!’, Jaemin is objectively one of the cutest boys I know, and yeah, he’s cool, and you both like dancing. But hey! Donghyuck is also a cute motherfucker but would you date him?, and you and Renjun can talk for hours about space and the possible existence of intelligent extraterrestrial life, but that doesn’t mean you will take him on dates and upload pics of him doing cute shit on your Instagram story. I would’ve really liked it if you had told me what made you like him, when did you start feeling things for him; if you simply did as friends do, and told me about your crush so I didn’t have to find out when the rest did, when you started holding hands in school halls. _

_ No one owns anything to others, and expecting things from people is the easiest way to break your heart, but I didn’t think those rules applied to you. I still hope they don’t. However, the truth is that lately you have forgotten about me, and that’s okay, I swear it’s okay, because you have your life and I have mine, but it’s weird not sitting with you at lunch, and not having you early on Saturdays morning at my house asking what we’re having for breakfast, Goddamn, we had a math exam and for the first time in ages I studied alone. I scored a 100. I heard you failed. Why didn’t you tell me you failed? _

_ I miss you, as my best friend, as the boy I’m deeply in love with, as Jisung who spends his time with Chenle. Please come back to me, you can have a boyfriend and still be my friend, Mark does, Renjun used to. Please. _

“Renjun, I’m hungry. Can we go eat something?” Chenle asked, shaking his legs.

“Stop pouting, you little kid, I asked you if you wanted to come with me and you said yes.”

“Well, you should’ve told him we were going to be for 5 whole hours at the museum. I didn’t know you took 20 minutes to admire every single piece.”

“If you don’t want to be here with me then go home. I’ll see you tomorrow at school.”

Chenle looked down and Renjun smirked when he finally shut down.

“I like art,” Chenle muttered getting behind Renjun and putting his arms around his waist. “It’s really pretty.”

“It doesn’t look like it.” Renjun laughed holding his hands.

“You’re so tiny.”

“Chenle, right now I’m the only one of our friends who wants to hang out with you and you have the guts to call me out for my height.”

Chenle giggled and rested his head against Renjun’s.

“I’m big sad.”

“Because of Jisung?”

“Because of Jisung.”

Renjun sighed and turned around to pat Chenle’s head.

“How is it going? The letter Kun told you about?”

“Terrible.” Renjun frowned as he took Chenle’s hand to make him walk outside the showroom. “I tell myself ‘Jisung is never going to read this so what’s the point?’ and end up writing a lot of dumb shit when I know that way it isn’t going to work out.”

“Take your time, Lele, this is for nobody but you.”

_ Okay, so. I’m not writing this just because. I’m writing this because Kun read somewhere you have to take everything out of you if you want to be over something. There is nothing I want more at this moment than being over you, I’m not planning on confessing to you, of course, and to be honest I would die out of embarrassment if someone ever heard how I feel about you. So what I had left was talking alone like an idiot or writing a long ass letter to you I would never send. And one is less awkward than the other, so here we are. _

_ Today I saw you with Jaemin. You always seem nervous around him. I wonder why. He’s been our friend since we were like 12. Do you really like him that much? You don’t have to act weird around him, I bet he likes you just the way you are, and if he doesn’t then he isn’t worth it! It’s cute, tho, watching you being a dork around the boy you like. And it must be nice, having someone who sees you in such a good light and whose company you really appreciate, and that person being someone who occasionally gives you kisses is also very cool. I wish after I’m done crying for you I find that someone. You are the only person I have ever liked, and it’s starting to be boring watching others get excited about their crushes and not being able to talk about mine because it is you. _

_ Donghyuck made a joke about you two, Jeno looked so sad he left and I screamed at Hyuck for ‘hurting Jeno’, it was actually for hurting me. I know I shouldn’t have, Mark told me to calm down and I told him he wasn’t our parent and he should stop trying to control our bond. Now they are mad at me, and Jeno is feeling bad, so later I will buy a cake and ask them to forgive me for being an asshole and some ice cream for Jeno because I don’t want him to feel alone. I think I could be a better friend. _

_ Why did you fall in love with me? _ _ You may ask. _ _ What did you like about me, given the fact that I’m the biggest idiot alive? _ _ My dear Jisung, it was hard to get for me too. When I first told Kun I liked you he was like ‘Really?! Why?’ I didn’t know the answer then. But now I do. It’s been a year, I’ve had time to learn what I like about you. Turns out there are a bunch of things. First, it could be the fact that thanks to you I learnt Korean; my family and Renjun’s moved here around the same time, Renjun taught me everything he could, but he had other things to do, and spending time with you, someone so patient and so willing to teach me what I didn’t know definitely helped me a lot. There is also the way you hate when people call you baby but your drawings aren’t better than a 5 years old, how you jump when someone tells you they are getting you food or how you’re curious about everything you see outside (you should seriously stop trying to touch things, it will get you hurt, sick, beaten, and/or fined, maybe the four at the same time.) _

_ I can’t hide the truth: it’s weird writing all those things knowing you’re with Jaemin right now, I would feel very uncomfortable if someone wrote such intimate things about the guy I’m seeing. Jaemin, I’m so sorry I promise I’m not a shitty friend I love you and Jisung and wish you both only happiness, I just like him quite a lot and want to forget him to help my broken heart. _

_ Love works in strange ways. Now you’re with Jaemin and you’re happy, Jaemin is also happy, but I’m sad, and Jeno is also sad. And we’ll get over this, I’ll fall in love with someone else (I hope so) and be as happy for you as you want me to be. _

“You want me to do what?” Chenle asked narrowing his eyes and taking away his bubble tea from Donghyuck’s arm.

Jeno laughed and took a sip when the straw came close to his face. Chenle sighed.

“To come in a double date,” Mark said. “Yukhei’s cousin moved recently and he doesn’t know anyone here.”

Chenle put his vase in the table and looked at Mark with disbelief.

“And why do you lovebirds want to take him in a date? Can’t he hang out with some of your mutual friends as normal people do?”

Donghyuck was about to take his soda and Jeno hit him to snatch it before him.

“You’re one of our mutuals friends!” Chenle raised an eyebrow. “And his cousin thinks you’re cute, too. Please, Chenle, it’ll be fun, I promise. I will do whatever you want if you do this.”

Donghyuck produced a strange sound and everyone turned to him.

“Oh, I know what happened here,” Donghyuck said, giving up on trying to drink Chenle’s beverage. “Mark already told Yukhei he said yes because he forgot to ask him earlier and if he doesn’t accept he will get mad and won’t give him smooches.”

Jeno scrunched his nose.

“I don’t think I needed that image in my head, but thanks.” Donghyuck laughed and punched him in the arm.

“Okay, fine, I’ll go. But you’ll have to help me clean the kitchen next time my family comes from China.”

“Do I get to eat with you?”

Chenle clicked his tongue.

“I guess so.”

“Great!”

_ So, for the first time in forever, I tried to go out with a boy and see how it went. It was horrible. He isn’t over his ex and he cried when I asked him about his favorite flowers. I had to take him home and tell his mom he was feeling bad in our date. She asked if I wanted to have dinner with her and her husband. I accepted because she seemed worried about me and Yangyang’s dad asked me about school. Can you imagine how embarrassing that was? _

_ Renjun and I laughed about it for like 20 minutes. I have decided dates are funny, and I’ll keep having them since they usually make no harm. I also think I’ll have to befriend YangYang because he is nice and he misses China, and I know how that feels. _

_ I do not like it when you put your head on my shoulder after days of not speaking to me and ask me in your softest voice how my life is going, it makes me nervous. Please stop. _

“Chenle, calm down, please. It’s okay. We’ll find your notebook.”

Chenle nodded. He was desperate. Why did he have to lose the notebook in which he had nothing written on but Jisung’s letter?

“Maybe I left it at the bubble tea store, Jun. I’ll go there and ask the employees if they saw it. Can you see go to your house and see if I left it in your room? And while you’re at it call Kun and ask him if it is at home? Pretty please, with a cherry on top?”

“Sure, baby, I’ll call you in a few hours.”

“Thank you.”

_ It’s been weeks, and I haven’t found your letter. But I don’t care anymore. I feel much better about my feelings for you, and I think they are fading away. It’s in part thanks to you, you have been avoiding me. _

_ I want to thank you, for being my first friend in Korea, for being my best friend, for being my first love, and especially for breaking my heart. _

_ I heard Donghyuck telling Mark you told him you like me. I think you’re dumb. And now I don’t wonder how would it be if we were together, because I’m not curious anymore. You’re a coward. Jaemin is too. He’s lucky Jeno is so nice and forgave him for making him jealous by dating you, I don’t know how he agreed to be his boyfriend after you both were so selfish. Why did you go so far with your fake relationship if you didn’t like each other? No need to answer, I know this one, because you didn’t care about any of us. _

_ It’s okay, Jisung. I’m not mad, I’m more… disappointed. I know I didn’t build up the courage to confess to you, but I didn’t play with your feelings, nor anyone else’s. _

“Chenle, darling, are you ready?” Renjun entered Chenle’s room and smiled at him. Chenle pointed at his face, Renjun rolled his eyes, walked up to him, benched down and planted a kiss on his nose. “You look cute today.”

“Thank you, you do too.”

Chenle smiled as Renjun muttered a little ‘thank you!’.

“Do you need a sec?” Renjun asked sitting on the bed. Chenle nodded. “What are you doing?”

“I’m finishing the letter. I think it’s time.”

“Did you find the rest?” Chenle shook his head. “And how do you feel about it?”

“It’s moo point.”

Renjun giggled .

_ You’re my best friend, after all, so you deserve to know, Renjun and I found a cute cafe where they give couple discounts, so we started having dates as a joke because both of us had been feeling lonely these days, but after some espressos he told me he liked me, and you know what? I started liking him back. And he makes me feel joy. I think he’ll be my first boyfriend. _

_ Don’t worry about our friendship, it will remain the same as before you started fake dating Jaemin, as soon as you stop ignoring me. _

_ I love you, Jisung. And I’ll always do. _

_ PS: I befriended YangYang, he’s funny, you will like him! _

“Chenle, can I talk to you for a second?” Chenle widened his eyes. He didn’t mean to be dramatic but he almost forgot how Jisung voice sounded.

“Of course I do, Sung. I always have time for you.” Chenle knew it wasn’t okay to use guilt as a weapon but he was hurt. Jisung closed his eyes and nodded.

“I’m sorry, for everything. I know I fucked up in a ton different ways but please let me explain.” Chenle breathed deeply. “You deserve to know the truth.”

“Jisung, I don’t want to know it. Let’s forget everything that happened in the last months, please, for the sake of us, more important the weeks you spent pretending I didn’t exist.”

“I didn’t talk to you because I thought you needed space.” Chenle snorted. “I found your letter.” Chenle’s breath stopped. “You left your notebook on your desk one day at math and I took to return it to you.”

Chenle hit him in the head with his pencil case.

“You had no right to read it! You invaded my privacy, Jisung, that’s not okay.”

“I had to be sure it was yours, so I opened it to see if it had your handwriting and the only page I found with something written on it had my name on it. I know I shouldn’t have but I’m weak.”

Chenle giggled.

“You sure are, buddy.” Jisung smiled. “I’m still mad you read that. But the letter you found wasn’t finished. I have the rest somewhere here...” He was sure he wrote it in the back of his art sketchbook because Renjun was the only one who would browse through it.

“Chenle, I…”

“Here it is!” He tore the page apart and handed it to Jisung. “You can keep the notebook you found, as long as you throw away my letter, please. I’m glad we’re back to normal!, I hope we never fight again.”

Chenle hugged him, smiled and sprinted out of the classroom to greet Renjun who was outside waiting for him.

“I also wrote a letter to you.”

_ Dear Chenle: I don’t know if there is a way to ask you for forgiveness. I’m a horrible friend, and I understand if you’re mad at me. You should be. _

_ But I also have something to tell you. I’m in love with you too. I have been for a really long time now. _

_ I know exactly when I started feeling like this, it was when you told me I was too ugly to dress up as Goku for Halloween. Why do you even find him attractive? _

_ I’m sorry for making you feel like I didn’t notice you, I always did, I just didn’t know how to let you know that. If I wanted you to have a boyfriend it was because all I ever wanted was watching you happy, and I didn’t know how to give you that happiness. _

_ I think falling in love with your best friend is beautiful, it hurts, but it can be worth the pain. _

_ I wasn’t dating Jaemin, Chenle. I don’t even know where to start, because there is no way you will believe any of my words. _

_ (I also asked Jaemin if he was okay with me sharing you this, and he said yeah, okay?) _

_ His parents started screaming at each other one Sunday night. He called me crying in the middle of the night and went to sleep at mine. On the one hand because I grew up with my parents fighting all the time before they divorced so I could understand him better than any other of our friends. On the other because he didn’t want Jeno to know it because he didn’t want his best friend, and crush, to take pity on him. But Jeno found out some days after and they had a fight, they both confessed, and Jeno said he would never date someone like Jaemin, someone who would hide things from him. So one thing leads to other, he was sad, he was angry, and he said ‘well, let’s see how long he thinks he can stand by his point’. _

_ I wasn’t sure at first, when he told me to pretend we were together, I told him I liked you, he said it was obvious, and that it could help me catch your attention. I guess it backfired. We didn’t tell you guys we were dating because Jaemin didn’t think it was necessary. _

_ I’m sorry I stopped spending time with you, Jaemin didn’t have Jeno at that time, his parents were still having problems and he was sad all the time. I guess I neglected our friendship, that’s on me. I didn’t tell you about the exam because you’d be disappointed. _

_ I also missed you. I’m sorry I didn’t say a thing. _

_ Kun is wise, I’m glad you have a nice older brother, you deserve good people in your life, and at this point, I don’t think I should be allowed to stay in it. Also, I wish you didn’t choose to write a letter, I wish you told me you liked me. But I can’t expect much when I didn’t make the best decisions regarding you. _

_ There is no use to say I felt nervous around Jaemin because it wasn’t you. We held hands and did couple's things because he craved touch and attention. I guess feeling blue does that to you. It felt weird. _

_ Reading how bad I made you feel makes my heart hurt, and I deserve it. You’re an angel, Chenle. And you deserve to be happy. You will find that someone. Just for a miracle, it would be me. (Miracles aren’t real.)_

_ Oh, I knew about that fight, I should’ve talked to you and spent time with you. Sorry I didn't. But Renjun did, and you had a date! That’s what I heard. You’re not a bad friend, please never think that again, there isn’t in this earth a better friend than you, ask any of the guys, they’ll agree. _

_ I could have never imagined that you could see all the pretty things in me, and I’m grateful for it. I fell in love with you because you have the prettiest smile, you always give the best of you to the world, and you’re willing to do things you hate just to see your loved ones smile. I also like your voice and the way you call me baby even when I ask you not to. (Let me touch things, I want to explore the world.) _

_ Chenle, I’d be surprised if you don’t hate me after all of this. I’ve been so bad to you. I’m so so sorry. Truly. Also, it would be bold of Jaemin to think you’re a terrible friend, just saying. _

_ Now they are happy together, weird, right? Jaemin apologized and they talked their minds out, they both said and did ugly things, but I think they were made for each other. That’s not our case. _

_ Mark told me about your date with Yukhei's cousin, I was surprised you accepted, as you never wanted to go on dates, but I think I get it now, you’re finally getting over me, and although it hurts it’s what you need, and maybe what I need to. _

_ I’m jealous of Renjun, for knowing you better than I, for not being an asshole, for having your love and knowing how to appreciate it. _

_ I hope Yangyang join our group soon! _

_ I was feeling desperate, I bet you noticed. I knew I was losing you, and Jaemin was finally getting along with Jeno. It wasn’t nice of me, but as you stated, I’m the biggest idiot alive. _

_ I love you, Zhong Chenle. _

  
  
  



End file.
